Into the Darkness

Into the DarkerI can’t really ignore the one thing that is on my mind right now. As a sophomore in college, in a sorority, triple majoring with a perfect gpa, and surrounded with amazing friends… one might think that I know exactly where my life is headed. That couldn’t be further from the truth.

Yes, I have goals and dreams that I hope to achieve, but that does not keep me from feeling like I am drowning in a ruthless world. We reside in a world where the definition of success is merely defined by personal opinion because the past’s idea of a successful person is now a rarity and seems impossible to achieve. While in high school, I felt like I knew the exact path my life would take, but that was thrown to hell in a blink of an eye.

I grew up in a small town of 825 people. Friday night football was the highlight of the town, but gossip and rumors were like chains that could not be shaken. I had a brother that was 2 years older than me and we had the same group of friends, I mean it’s not like we had much to choose from. I began high school thinking everything was going perfect. I played every sport, excelled academically, believed I had a solid friend base, what could possibly go wrong? To top it off I had a young man (unable to call him my boyfriend due to parents’ demands, lol) that was smart, hardheaded, athletic, stubborn, determined, handsome, and strong. He had eyes that gave me butterflies at the slightest glance across the halls between classes. We understood each other’s goals and ambitions and we thought we were on the same road. Somewhere amongst the post football game bonfires and sneaking behind a pillar at a banquet for two seconds to get a peck on the cheek, everything came crashing down. *

My sense of security was suddenly shattered like a barrier that shielded my life from all the evil in the world. After 4 years with the guy I shared my first kiss with behind a tree in my backyard on my birthday, I was certain our lives were meant to always be together. We would attend college wherever that might be and promised not to select a school or turn down an opportunity for each other. We loved each other more than to hold each other back, plus we knew that nothing was going to come between us anyways. Well I thought I knew that. I thought I knew that I could go to medical school somewhere close to where he chose to play football, as he worked to get his engineering degree. We complimented each other so well; no one questioned if we were meant to be. I let my guard down. I exposed myself too much. I fell in love. The future ceased to terrify me because I knew he would be there with me. I was wrong.

About three and a half years have passed since my walls came crumbling down. I can’t say it gets easier, the memories just fade and that is a pain is terrifying in itself. The memories of the good and bad, feeling his lips against mine to the tears as I had to accept the so-called rumors as the truth, everything slowly slips from my memory. Although many months passed, it felt like the pain would never diminish, the stabs got deeper with every breath. The fatigue, stares, whispers, and weight loss was just another factor that started to become who I was. My normal, but there was nothing normal about it. There were evenings that I would sit on the shower floor, lifeless as the water beat me in the face. I was thankful for those times as they were few and far between. The lifelessness was an escape, not only was there no pain those few moments, there was also no joy, no tears, no laughter. But in those few moments, I didn’t hurt. Other than that I would get in the shower and crank up my radio to try to drown out the cries that whaled from within me. I would skip classes to come home to take a shower; maybe I thought I could wash the pain away, or better yet, the memories of him all together. I cried, begged, and pleaded for God. I was alone. Nobody understood. Nobody felt the humiliation, heartache, and pain that now consumed my life. I can’t say it gets easier, at times I wish I could feel the pain like I was did. There was pain, because there was love and emotion….and now there is nothing.

People say just move one, enough rebounds will get him off your mind. As ashamed as I am to admit it, I eventually tried that. Every kiss made me think of him. Every touch made me feel gross; I wasn’t supposed to be with these people. I would leave crying, because my plan had failed once again. I pray that I can find a man who captivates me enough so no one else creeps through my mind. Tears swell up in my eyes every time I think about getting married because I know the moment the doors open and see the aisle staring at me head on, taunting my every step… I know I will think of him, my first love, the one I always thought would be waiting for me at the altar. I hate that feeling because it would kill me if the man I was about to marry and promise my life to, knew that past guys were what was going through my mind as I was walking towards him in my wedding gown. I think it pains me even more because I know how devastated I would be if the roles were reversed. I want to be my husband’s entire world, so I know I would be really hurt if the one day that was supposed to be about celebrating our eternal love for one another he was choked up thinking about how his life was supposed to be with someone else.

The past few days I have wondered if that feeling was reversed at all. I wonder if when he woke up on his wedding day, if he rolled over in bed and stared at the ceiling thinking about me. Thinking about what our life could have been. You guessed it, HE IS MARRIED. At first I never imagined that I would be crying at the thought of him being married. I knew this day would come, but it seems like it came so quickly. I can’t breathe when I think about it. Tears pour down my cheeks, I don’t understand how he could be ready for this if I can’t even stand to see this. Its one thing to jump from girl to girl, but trying to accept that he is married makes me collapse. While I pray that the thought of him doesn’t bring me to tears right before I walk out to my fiancé, I guess part of me hopes that I mattered enough to him to at least cross his mind in the slightest moment. Not sure why I expect this from him, I should have learned long ago that I cannot count on him. I cannot depend on him when I need someone to talk to, when I’m having a stressful day, nor even when he makes me the happiest girl in the world. It was never like that when we were together. He was hardheaded and I was stubborn, but we clicked. We didn’t have problems; we didn’t fight. He was the one I could count on. I could depend on him to always have someone to talk to after a stressful day. We always laughed and smiled together because our lives were fun and we loved each other. No matter the heartache and pain I still endure, I try to not let them completely overshadow the memories that I adore so much. The hugs that I wanted to last forever, hearing his heart beat as my head laid on his chest in the dead of night, or seeing the smile on his face when I would run up to hug and give him a kiss when it had been several weeks since I had seen him last. I hope to be able to hold onto those memories forever, but everyday they fade a little bit more.

I know he still thinks about it. He how much he screwed up. How much he hurt me. The love he lost. The friendships that will never be the same. I don’t think you truly love someone until you want him or her to live a happy life, even if it isn’t lived with you. While is still hurts, I want him to be happy more than anything. I knew a long time ago that “she” was not going to be me, but I still pray for her. I hope she makes him happy. I hope she knows how to calm him. I hope she adores is stubbornness, but doesn’t let him go. I hope she pushes him to achieve his goals, no matter how hard life may get for her. I hope she continues to push him to be a more Godly man everyday. I don’t know exactly who she is supposed to be, but I know it’s not me so I hope, for him, that it is her. I hope he has found the love of his life, his supporter, and unconditional lover. I hope at night when he lays down beside her that he can hold her tight and want nothing more in the world. God forgive me, but I still hope that when he rolls over and stares into the darkness that he remembers the love that we shared.

*Story of our relationship will be saved for another time. Trust me, you will want to hear all about it!